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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Good for you, people that do things.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.