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In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.