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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!