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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.