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If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.