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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
I miss the life I planned in my head.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.