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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.