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One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
I was born at a very early age.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?