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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.