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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out