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Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."