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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.