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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
facebooked yo mama!!!
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
morning i hate girls evening i need girls