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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?