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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when Iām done.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.