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The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
My favorite beer is the next one.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.