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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I’m bored enough to clean.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
My whole life is based on a true story...
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
funny status idea: a funny and popular one