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People will do odd things to get even.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.