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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
People will do odd things to get even.
When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
never tell a lie...unless it is true
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..