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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone