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If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.