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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.