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I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson