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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.