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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Attention fuels immaturity
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
I want it all and I want it delivered.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.