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I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.