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Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Iām starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.