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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
There is no time to check time
hilarious
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.