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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?