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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.