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Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.