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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.