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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.