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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.