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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.