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I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…