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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.