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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.