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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...