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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.