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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.