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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.