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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.