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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point