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I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"