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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.