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I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.