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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.