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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.