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Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.