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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.