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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Valentines day
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.