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I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while Iām awake to maintain my yearly average.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but Iām trying to be proactive.
Tieam... problem solved
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.