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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...