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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.