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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
My misery likes tequila, not company.