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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
The older I get the better I used to be.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.