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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.