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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.