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I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.