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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.