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Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.