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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them