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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.