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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.