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I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.