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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.