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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.