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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.