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Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever Iām making important life decisions.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
A leaf blower, but for people.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
So can we just skip to summer now?
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.