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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
My favorite beer is an open one.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.