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The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.