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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, I’m willing to go pretty much anywhere.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.