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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.