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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.