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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.