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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!