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They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds