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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.