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I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.