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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.