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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.